Njord’s Guide to Having Standards

Making the rules for playing your game

Many times, girls and guys come to me with questions like “My boyfriend cheated on me, what should I do??” or “My boyfriend is in jail for something he promised he would never do again…should I stick with him or move on?” and even “There’s this nice guy who’s always showering me with unearned compliments and gifts, always making me feel special…but I don’t know if I should date him because he never says ‘NO’!” Questions like these irk me to an extent because I feel like one should already know the somewhat obvious answers. However, I forget that not everyone has lived my life, and as teenagers it’s your job to make mistakes, get hurt, and be happy in relationships in order to grow as a person for the more important relationships in the future. So, Uncle Njord is going to try and help you ease some of the troubles you may have in finding the right person, so that your relationship doesn’t die a fiery death of incompatibility and sexual frustration.

One of the number one ways to start off in the right direction is to figure out what your standards are. Standards are basically your personal guidelines to certain traits and behaviors that your potential fuck-buddy should have. Think of yourself as a knight: your mind already makes up your body armor from desires buried deep inside you. You may not know you need a father-figure type guy, or an extremely caring girl, but your mind does, and will block out the attempts of all others who don’t fill this role. Your standards are an iron shield, working as a conscious blockade against things you don’t want. Now, it’s extremely difficult to do this right, because what you may think you want could be completely off kilter to what you really need. But we’re at least going to try and keep you from throwing yourself to the dogs.

Why do I need this? Why can’t I just let love happen!!? Well look at the questions above. You run into things completely ignorant, and then you get hurt repeatedly by people that shouldn’t be in your life. Next thing you know, you’re a lonely hermit, singing Nobody Knows on a New York subway for 16 hours a day. However, you do have a point. You can’t really help who you become attracted to. However, having standards builds up your defenses against things that wouldn’t be healthy for you. So even if you do meet the perfect guy/girl, if you know they’re inherent cheaters, and you just cannot accept cheating for any reason, it will be a lot easier for you to let that person go when you have concrete rules for yourself to do so. Less tears. I promise. It’s in a book somewhere.

This one...right there

How to create Standards: Time for an activity!!!

“Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards…absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to becoming.” – Anthony Robbins

• Grab a pen and paper, a blank Word document, or your angst filled LiveJournal.
• Create a heading that says, “What I want in a guy/girl” or something similar
• Make a list (bulleted or numbered) that outlines every single trait you want in a guy/girl: sex appeal, religious/political views, tastes in music, fashion style, etc. I don’t advocate putting down physical traits, since looks don’t matter when it comes to attraction. You don’t want to kill of the best guy for you, just because he doesn’t have blond hair. However, if you’re stuck on stupid for a Brazilian midget with robot arms and a party flare for a penis, then by all means.
• After you complete that, then draw a line, open a black document, or make a new entry in your emo-themed LiveJournal, and write as your heading, “What I do NOT want in a guy/girl”.
• Make another huge list, that is as detailed as you can get it. Describe personality traits that you can’t possibly deal with, along with quirks, habits, and hobbies that you know you’ll never want to be associated with. Automatically add “Emo*” as the first entry, unless you are emo. Then get to work killing yourself.

*Emo-fag, cutterfuck, dumbass, tittybitch, crybaby, and dirt are also acceptable terms for these people

• Now that you have this huge personality grid for your ideal lay, make another huge list titled “Rules of the Game” or whatever your creativity dictates as acceptable for a list of relationship rules. Here, you basically outline what you will, and will not deal with in a relationship. All your things like no cheating or lying, no open relationships, lack of communication, forgetting your birthday, etc. go here.
• Now take your pen, delete key, or razor (for LJ users) and strike-through traits that you think you could get along with in your DO NOT WANT! lists, along with good traits that you may be able to do without. This is to keep it all realistic. I’m not saying you should settle, but don’t describe Edward Cullen and expect him to come flying in on a silver pony (By the way, if you did this, don’t come back here). No one is perfect, so no relationship will be, and I don’t believe that any 2 people are so perfect for each other that they just compliment their spouse completely. Conflicts arise and compromises have to happen. Kill every standard, rule, trait, etc., that you honestly believe you can deal with for 3 months. If you can’t see yourself sticking it out for longer than that, then go ahead and keep it.
• Look it over and memorize what’s left. That way, when you meet a potential suitor, you’ll naturally begin to use that list to screen them out.

Final Note

• Constantly revise. If you’re a person worth a hill of beans, you have some sort of depth. Your personality and being is ever growing, and always changing. Experiences in our relationships, and lives, makes us different people everyday. So our needs and wants, when it comes to a relationship, change as well. Make sure your list stays up to date. It is a living and breathing entity now, constantly growing and adapting to who you are as a person and who you want to share yourself with, so treat it with care.

Hope your favorite Uncle was of major help. Having standards will make your relationships more enjoyable and healthier for both people. I promise. It’s in a book somewhere.

~Njord the Wise